In Defence

I was recently alerted to a review of the fun little Edinburgh tex mex joint that is Illegal Jacks.

Now, as much as I enjoy reading restaurant reviews, I will not attempt to review the establishment, choosing instead to leave that to the professionals like Coren. I will merely provide a fair and balanced defence for the restaurant to compensate for the bad vibes of the review mentioned above and restore the harmonious balance of the force.

Article 1 - The Decor

Described as being "akin to a school canteen", "spartan in the extreme", and "utterly charmless", the polished wooden table and simple benches took a slating from the prosecution. Why? Illegal Jack's is a fast food joint, pure and simple. They are not obliged to have seats at all, yet alone plush furnishings that please the eye as much as the derriere. Indeed, when comparing this humble establishment with the plastic junk offered by other, larger fast food joints such as Subway and Macdonalds, I can not see why a patron would complain. True, the hard wood does become an issue after a time but why spend your evening chatting in a fast food place? It's a tribute to the layout and decor that people believe that Illegal Jack's is a proper restaurant rather than classing it with the Burger Kings of this world. Lastly, the school canteen comment is well and truly unfounded. If the place looked anything like our canteen (I went to school with the reviewer), it would have failed long ago.

Article 2 - The Menu

To quote Leonardo Da Vinci, "Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication". Why do people want pages and pages of menu? In my opinion (and that of the aforementioned Coren, I believe), restaurants should cut out all the half-arsed 'extra selection' dishes crammed in for those idiots who refuse to try something new. This allows those in the kitchen to showcase only their best, and to give each dish on the somewhat smaller menu greater attention.

A reduced menu speeds up service in the restaurant. No longer do people take ten minutes to go through the menu and another ten to decide. No longer to waiting staff have to visit and revisit a table which should have decided a quarter of an hour ago.

A complaint about just ice cream for dessert? Really. Since when have the KFCs branched out to more than ice cream or a cookie? If you have room for dessert (the portions are generous), you should probably be examining your calorie intake. If you're a dessert fan, what the hell are you doing in a Mexican restaurant? Mexican cuisine is not known for its desserts and, though there are some good ones, there really is no need to round off a belt-busting feast of tortillas, beans, and rice with a hunger-inducing, sugar-spiking calorie bomb. A delicious brand of ice cream is a nod to the weak, nothing more is needed.

Article 3 - The Service

At last our hapless reporter grasps the true reality of Illegal Jack's - it's a fast food joint! Well done! Why are you reviewing it like a sit-down, candlelit dining experience? Why haven't you gone back and rewritten your piece? These questions, ladies and gentlemen, can not be answered by me, but really should be considered. If a film critic wrote about an action film as if it were intended to be a rom-com, would you take the critic's piece seriously?

I digress.

The service in Illegal Jack's is as it should be. It operates on a similar system to Subway - the order is made as you make known your selection of bean, meat, salsa, and extras, then you pay at the till. You then make your way to your seat (or, indeed, the world outside) with your tightly-wrapped package of sustenance. It's a self-service restaurant. Deal with it. In my experience, the staff often go out of their way to ensure the food is to the liking of the table, to help clear, or, on occasion, just to have some friendly banter. I will try to avoid conceit here, but ill-will breeds ill-will. If you choose to be cold to the friendly and interesting staff in the building, I'm sure they'll return the favour.

Article 4 - Weapons of Mess Destruction

If you eat at a (nice and slow for those who are having trouble keeping up here) FAST...FOOD...RESTAURANT...you expect plastic tableware, no?

Additionally the majority of the food on the menu is finger food. Ditch the British reservation and dirty those digits! It is not only correct, it's way more fun.

Article 5 - Timed to Perfection

The salad and the wings came at different times. Okay, not ideal, but in the land of the self-service, your own timing is king. If the items are prepared when the order is placed, a salad will beat wings any day. Solution: order at different times. Or don't get a salad. Who orders salad in a fast food restaurant? That's asking for disappointment! Anyway, the salad is cold, it's not going to be ruined by a 5 minute wait.

Article 6 - A Price To Pay

The pricing at Illegal Jack's is very fair. The portions are large and filling, the price no more than a sad, limp burger-chain meal. The lunch deals are really amazing, so if you're a canny Scot and can handle a large lunch, it's worth going before the evening arrives.

Expense only mounts up if the more unusual items (salads, for example) are ordered. The lower demand for these items and higher cost of keeping the items on standby (fresh salads don't last long!) mean that the price for said items will be higher. Stick with the burrito - it's what Illegal Jack's is all about.

Closing Comments

All my comments defend Illegal Jack's - that doesn't seem right. I admit to having strayed from my 'fair and balanced' goal, but I did temper my praise and every positive in this article should be taken with the negatives in the other. The question remains : Can a fast food place be as good as the bias above suggests? The answer is no. Every place has its flaw. Illegal Jack's does fast, fresh, tasty food at a reasonable price in a convenient part of Edinburgh. For that, and for raising the bar on decoration for its fast food brethren, the establishment should be praised.

The processed taco shells, poorly conceived nachos, and occasional glitch (undercooked, tough beef or low soda syrup) at busy times prevent Illegal Jack's from reaching the very pinnacle of fast food glory. As far as Mexican fast food goes, there are no contenders in the Scottish capital.

Ladies and gentlemen, please know that I meant this not as an attack - for the review in question was well written, well laid out, and had the pictures lacking here - but as a balancing text for the opinion stated previously. All eating experiences are subject to so many varying factors that no two are alike, even in the same place. So go try it for yourselves. Love it, hate it, do what you wish, but for sake of all that is good and tasty, order the burrito.

A Well Adjusted Individual

Following a rather misjudged headstand in yoga, I was left with a persistent neck pain. After two weeks, I asked a chiropractor friend of mine about it, who kindly offered to take a look.

Wikipedia, that rigorous, reliable academic source, says that "Chiropractic is a health care discipline and profession that emphasizes diagnosis, treatment and prevention of mechanical disorders of the musculoskeletal system, especially the spine, under the hypothesis that these disorders affect general health via the nervous system" and warns that "Death has occurred following chiropractic spinal manipulation, and the risks by far surpass its benefit". Good thing I don't believe everything I read.

At the small clinic in a posh suburb of Glasgow, I completed the health questionnaire prior to my appointment. Do the expect me to remember whether I fell down stairs or got knocked about before I was 5? I can't say my memory of that period of my life is terribly strong. I also didn't really get the question about health that required you to score (out of ten) how healthy you were and how healthy you wanted to be. Who wouldn't put 10 for the second? Who wants to be less than perfectly healthy?

Having worked my way through the paperwork, I was issued into the back room where my general misalignment and reactions were tested. I don' think it was a disaster, but maybe she was just being nice by saying nothing at all.

Then the adjustment. The part that everyone thinks about. The neck-cracking (during which I couldn't stop myself thinking about the results of a slightly more vigorous twist) and the folding and massaging of the bits and pieces of the body around the spine. It wasn't as bad as expected, certainly not as sore as other people had led me to believe. Something different, for sure.

To cap it off, my neck and back felt better the next day. Placebo effect or not, think what you like, I owe my friend a drink.

Gig: Futuristic Retro Champions

Date: Monday 14th June 2010

Venue: Brel, Ashton Lane

http://www.futuristicretrochampions.com/

This was a pleasant surprise. Following a chance encounter at a train station, my flatmate invited me along to a wee gig on Monday night to see this rather unusually titled band. I, of course, accepted.

The band mostly play upbeat, catchy electro-pop. All the songs are sung in an unmistakably Scottish accent and are amazingly catchy. I must say, however, that it took a couple of listens to really get into their particular groove.

The venue, Brel, is a small pub/restaurant (with garden) down the rather surreal Ashton Lane. Apparently voted The Guardian's 3rd favorite gig venue (unverified!), I was skeptical about its size and ability to host a decent gig. The place does sell West beer, so kudos for that (not that I'm drinking at the moment).

The gig was an acoustic set (apparently their first) and worked extremely well, sounding great in the small room. The band were enthusiastic despite a rather dull audience vibe and kept bouncing and clapping enthusiastically throughout the set. It was strange being at a gig indoors with so much natural light, but I liked the rather unusual setting for a rather unusual gig. My only criticisms would be that the chairs, effectively steel patio furniture, became uncomfortable quickly and that the gig was too short. Maybe the time just flew by because it was so enjoyable, but it did seem like a bit of a brief set.

In short, a band I wouldn't hesitate to go see again. They've got a free EP online if you're interested - check 'em out.

Stay Classy Glasgow

Virgin Active gyms are decent enough to include all classes in the membership fee. Until the other week I had been too embarrassed about my fitness levels to join one. But then, in the spirit of this blog, I decided to swallow my pride and go for a class each weekday for one week...

Monday : V-Core

The name of this class is fairly self-explanatory. Half an hour of planks, crunches, jackknives, etc. with medicine balls, Swiss balls, or just a mat. I enjoyed the class, though it felt like i was being torn in half at times on the Swiss ball. Certainly 'activated' the abs - they were strained all week! This is a class that I've continued with (after a two week break from the gym, covered later).

Verdict: Targeted, quick, strenuous. Like it!

Tuesday : Body Combat

This was the type of class I feared from the outset. A bunch of fit people in the room, all accustomed to the routines, all with excellent timing, and all looking much less stupid than the tall American-Scottish disaster in the centre of the room.

The class was a variation of punches (i.e. hook, uppercut, jab) and kicks (back-kicks, sides-kicks, jump-kicks) set to music. The instructor was friendly, enthusiastic, and seemingly oblivious to the less than enthusiastic 'huh!'s (think the sounds from the kung-fu fighting song), but then she could only expect so much from a class starting at 7am. The whole thing was immensely fun, despite my chronic lack of rhythm and highly amateur combat moves.

Verdict: Fun, different, but maybe not strenuous enough to replace my gym session. Best for people with a bit of rhythm.

Wednesday : V-Tread & ViPR

I had only planned to do one class a day, and keep my extra exercise limited to a warm-up before the class, but when Monday's V-Core instructor was reduced to asking the people already on the treadmills (myself included) to get someone to take the class I took pity and went for a double. This turned out to be a good call, but it certainly didn't feel like it at the time. I'm no runner.

The V-Tread class is very much like a spin class (you know, the savage instructor-led cycling) on a treadmill. I was asked to select a comfortable pace. I did. After a few minutes I was told to up the pace by 15%. A few minutes later I was told to up the pace by 30%. Then, when I was tiring, I was told to sprint flat out for a minute. As I reached the end of that minute, legs turning to a rather unappealing jelly, I was told to 'rest' for two minutes at a comfortable pace. That pace wasn't so comfortable anymore, I can tell you. Then I got to do it all again in a different order. Luckily, instead of having me do a third, the instructor allowed me to skip to the cool down. Only 'cause it was my first time, of course (I actually suspect she was worried about my heart exploding). Satisfying but exhausting.

Then up to ViPR. The ViPR (pictured) is a hollow, weighted tube with a number of handles, hailed as an exciting new development in exercise equipment. The class is a full-body workout utilising this strange, new, and apparently expensive bit of kit. The plethora of lunges and squats threatened to put me on my face (the legs weak from the previous class), the core exercise just plain hurt (strained core muscles - see Monday), and the chest and arm exercises were suitable exhausting. It's amazing what you can do to yourself with seemingly simple pieces of kit.

V-Tread Verdict: Excellent class. Hard work, simply constructed. Not my cup of tea, but that probably means it's the best choice for me!

ViPR Verdict: Another good one. Hits all the muscles with a free-weight style workout that is strenuous enough to have me feeling righteous after the half hour is up.

Thursday : Body Pump

"The greatest feeling you can get in a gym or the most satisfying feeling you can get in the gym is the pump"

Body Pump is another class with all the perfect people doing exercise to music. The class is a full body workout with a barbell. Each muscle set is given its moment, with weight levels on the bar changed for each type. This class was hard. Hard hard hard. The instructor wasn't loving my lack of timing, though I was getting the hang by the end, and a helpful class member helped me twice - once with technique, once with weight levels for the exercises. I collapsed a number of times during the final, core-focused stage. Planks were plainly beyond me at that point.

Verdict: You want a tough full-body free-weight workout? You got it. This class is excellent, but would benefit from a more welcoming instructor, I feel.

Friday : Yoga

I was looking forward to this one. After a week of classes, pretty much every major muscle in my body was strained. I couldn't wait for a peaceful session of yoga to stretch off the sore muscles. All the muscle straining was over, right? Wrong.

The class was almost empty, only 6 people compared to the 30-odd in the other 7am studio classes, and 3 were newbies like myself. Instructor was friendly and welcoming, if a bit new-age for my taste ("you never practice yoga on a full moon day").

Yoga is hard. The stretches had me pouring with sweat and trying focus on the yogic breathing rather than the fact that it felt like the muscles would soon give in and leave me a sweaty puddle of self-loathing on the mat. The final moves were the 'fun' moves more in line with the public perception of yoga. The leg over the head type of thing. Whilst the moves were introduced and explained well, and various difficulties presented, they were still a struggle. The yoga instructor made 'em look so simple, though, that you couldn't help but try.

And try I did. Head stance, anyone? Being a hefty, 6'4" dude, I probably should not be static on my head, even with my elbows down to form the base. I gave it a shot, 'cause you should try everything. Be bold. It was going fine until I decide to adjust my head without getting out of the stance because of the uncomfortable pressure. You'd think that I might have though before messing about on my head. Nope. As such, I badly pulled a neck muscle and couldn't look up for a few days, and was in pain for a couple of weeks. And out of the gym. Teach me to think yoga would be a breeze.

Verdict: Interesting. A good way to top off a week of exercise, simultaneously strengthening and stretching out all the muscles exhausted by a week of exercise. Just think about what you're doing before you mess about in the stances.

Still a few classes to try now that I'm back at the gym, but I won't bore you with the details.

Stay classy Glasgow.

To the water, it is the hour!

Blogging again, at long last.

So much time has passed since my last entry that any followers (if there ever were any) will have long since given up. But the blog was started by me for me and so I guess that's besides the point.

I have been trying a number of new things in the months since the last entry but as they're not recent they won't be recounted. Start afresh. The topic of this particular (brief) entry is the change to my drinking habits (temporarily).

My dentist suggested that I was drinking too much of something sugary. Strange, since I don't go for soda or fruit juice much. Most of my drinking over the past year has been water, coffee, or tea. Since I couldn't identify the tooth-destroying culprit I took drastic action - challenging

myself to drink only water (milk allowed for cereal) until Independence Day (when I'm on holiday in the USA).

Hardly a bother, thinks I, I drink water all the time.

What a chump.

First, going cold turkey on caffeine from 5 cups a day sucks. Tiredness, headaches, and just the general craving for a hot, bitter cup of joe did not make the first week easy for me.

Second, most of our social interaction is based on beverages. Be it a glass of champagne to celebrate an occasion, a friendly cup of coffee, or just a ice cold bottle of lager to wash down the toil of the day, pretty much every social situation demands that you partake in a beverage of some sort. Even the designated driver doesn't drink water. Choosing water over wine just makes you feel like a bit of an outcast.

Third, how do you explain a choice like that? People try to understand, leap to the conclusion that it must be medical. No. Religious? Nope. To save money then? It seems hard for people to understand why someone would choose such a spartan liquid intake. And yet I feel an urge to justify my choice as I did to open the article. Why should I have to? I'm just choosing to drink water for a couple of months!

Then, of course, there are those who revel in it: 'Champagne? Oh dear! Must've slipped my mind - just water for you. I'd better just drink the glass I poured for you myself....', 'Still not drinking coffee? Ha ha!' or even just 'This beer is soooooooo goooood. In fact this is the beessst beer I've eeever had...'. Sounds like what I'd say to someone choosing water to be honest. Shame on me.

Anyway, water ain't so bad. I've broken my caffeine reliance, saved countless pounds by giving up my weekly drinks, and am saving an equal amount of empty calories. So let's all raise a glass and enjoy the humble liquid that is so important to us all.