Now, as much as I enjoy reading restaurant reviews, I will not attempt to review the establishment, choosing instead to leave that to the professionals like Coren. I will merely provide a fair and balanced defence for the restaurant to compensate for the bad vibes of the review mentioned above and restore the harmonious balance of the force.
Article 1 - The Decor
Described as being "akin to a school canteen", "spartan in the extreme", and "utterly charmless", the polished wooden table and simple benches took a slating from the prosecution. Why? Illegal Jack's is a fast food joint, pure and simple. They are not obliged to have seats at all, yet alone plush furnishings that please the eye as much as the derriere. Indeed, when comparing this humble establishment with the plastic junk offered by other, larger fast food joints such as Subway and Macdonalds, I can not see why a patron would complain. True, the hard wood does become an issue after a time but why spend your evening chatting in a fast food place? It's a tribute to the layout and decor that people believe that Illegal Jack's is a proper restaurant rather than classing it with the Burger Kings of this world. Lastly, the school canteen comment is well and truly unfounded. If the place looked anything like our canteen (I went to school with the reviewer), it would have failed long ago.
Article 2 - The Menu
To quote Leonardo Da Vinci, "Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication". Why do people want pages and pages of menu? In my opinion (and that of the aforementioned Coren, I believe), restaurants should cut out all the half-arsed 'extra selection' dishes crammed in for those idiots who refuse to try something new. This allows those in the kitchen to showcase only their best, and to give each dish on the somewhat smaller menu greater attention.
A reduced menu speeds up service in the restaurant. No longer do people take ten minutes to go through the menu and another ten to decide. No longer to waiting staff have to visit and revisit a table which should have decided a quarter of an hour ago.
A complaint about just ice cream for dessert? Really. Since when have the KFCs branched out to more than ice cream or a cookie? If you have room for dessert (the portions are generous), you should probably be examining your calorie intake. If you're a dessert fan, what the hell are you doing in a Mexican restaurant? Mexican cuisine is not known for its desserts and, though there are some good ones, there really is no need to round off a belt-busting feast of tortillas, beans, and rice with a hunger-inducing, sugar-spiking calorie bomb. A delicious brand of ice cream is a nod to the weak, nothing more is needed.
Article 3 - The Service
At last our hapless reporter grasps the true reality of Illegal Jack's - it's a fast food joint! Well done! Why are you reviewing it like a sit-down, candlelit dining experience? Why haven't you gone back and rewritten your piece? These questions, ladies and gentlemen, can not be answered by me, but really should be considered. If a film critic wrote about an action film as if it were intended to be a rom-com, would you take the critic's piece seriously?
I digress.
The service in Illegal Jack's is as it should be. It operates on a similar system to Subway - the order is made as you make known your selection of bean, meat, salsa, and extras, then you pay at the till. You then make your way to your seat (or, indeed, the world outside) with your tightly-wrapped package of sustenance. It's a self-service restaurant. Deal with it. In my experience, the staff often go out of their way to ensure the food is to the liking of the table, to help clear, or, on occasion, just to have some friendly banter. I will try to avoid conceit here, but ill-will breeds ill-will. If you choose to be cold to the friendly and interesting staff in the building, I'm sure they'll return the favour.
Article 4 - Weapons of Mess Destruction
If you eat at a (nice and slow for those who are having trouble keeping up here) FAST...FOOD...RESTAURANT...you expect plastic tableware, no?
Additionally the majority of the food on the menu is finger food. Ditch the British reservation and dirty those digits! It is not only correct, it's way more fun.
Article 5 - Timed to Perfection
The salad and the wings came at different times. Okay, not ideal, but in the land of the self-service, your own timing is king. If the items are prepared when the order is placed, a salad will beat wings any day. Solution: order at different times. Or don't get a salad. Who orders salad in a fast food restaurant? That's asking for disappointment! Anyway, the salad is cold, it's not going to be ruined by a 5 minute wait.
Article 6 - A Price To Pay
The pricing at Illegal Jack's is very fair. The portions are large and filling, the price no more than a sad, limp burger-chain meal. The lunch deals are really amazing, so if you're a canny Scot and can handle a large lunch, it's worth going before the evening arrives.
Expense only mounts up if the more unusual items (salads, for example) are ordered. The lower demand for these items and higher cost of keeping the items on standby (fresh salads don't last long!) mean that the price for said items will be higher. Stick with the burrito - it's what Illegal Jack's is all about.
Closing Comments
All my comments defend Illegal Jack's - that doesn't seem right. I admit to having strayed from my 'fair and balanced' goal, but I did temper my praise and every positive in this article should be taken with the negatives in the other. The question remains : Can a fast food place be as good as the bias above suggests? The answer is no. Every place has its flaw. Illegal Jack's does fast, fresh, tasty food at a reasonable price in a convenient part of Edinburgh. For that, and for raising the bar on decoration for its fast food brethren, the establishment should be praised.
The processed taco shells, poorly conceived nachos, and occasional glitch (undercooked, tough beef or low soda syrup) at busy times prevent Illegal Jack's from reaching the very pinnacle of fast food glory. As far as Mexican fast food goes, there are no contenders in the Scottish capital.
Ladies and gentlemen, please know that I meant this not as an attack - for the review in question was well written, well laid out, and had the pictures lacking here - but as a balancing text for the opinion stated previously. All eating experiences are subject to so many varying factors that no two are alike, even in the same place. So go try it for yourselves. Love it, hate it, do what you wish, but for sake of all that is good and tasty, order the burrito.
